All of our happiness was seized from us on that horrible Thursday…
I still remember that night... Night of 20th June
2018. I was going back to home from office. Payal called me at our usual
calling time. Ya. By that time, she had moved to Surat for the final delivery
days. We had normal discussion and then there was that uncanny sentence.
“I am feeling less of movement of our baby today.” Payal told.
“May be because, it is not getting proper space.” I replied. Hating even to articulate the possibility of anything bad, at this point of time in pregnancy.
“Ya. Anyways I am going for routine checkup to my midwife tomorrow. Will tell her to check properly.”
And then we just went on with our usual talk, pushing the
otherwise thoughts away, taking comfort in the absence of scarlet. Undeniably I
remained in the fog of fear unspoken. And I think Payal as well. I still
remember me reassuring myself as I was getting out of cab. At that point of
time I rationalize that it must have been last pregnancy days’ effect or so…
that is making all those non-movement feeling.
At around 12 midnight, two people at different geographical
location… me and my wife… Both still unaware, started facing their most
precious loss.
My wife saw small blood spot over her cloths and she updated
her parents. They did not wait until the next day when my wife would see her
midwife and that Doppler would run over her belly. My wife reached hospital
within few minutes. As per our Indian standards, the hospital nurses tried to
convince my wife that everything must be fine so go home. Actually they wanted
to say… “Don’t bother us at 12 midnight. Go to sleep and let us as well sleep”
Somehow My wife and her parents requested and convinced the
nurse to check once. No one could have anticipated but after checking for a
minute or so nurse was clear that there was some problem. And then there was
totally unaware Payal, three nurses and our midwife, everyone into shock!!!
They were checking Payal again and again. They just tried on an on with
different Doppler to cross verify whether there is any issue with the
sonography machine. She did not have any complications since she had conceived.
Pregnancy was definitely healthy. Unfortunately, that awful moment came in that
dark sonography room when sonographer told… “There is no heartbeat”.
In an hour… clothed in pink gown, they wheeled Payal to the
operation theater. All our parents were just praying for our best. Not sure how
my delicate wife bore the moment where she almost knew that worst could happen.
I can’t be more proud of her and her strength that day.
“I made sure, I don’t look around in case I made eye contact
with someone who’s tender gaze might trigger the tears” Payal told me after few
days.
On the other Geo
location… I was in deep sleep, totally unware of these ill-fated happenings.
In the operation theater, Payal was told, there is only 1%
chance of survival of our baby. Still my wife was positive that there is the
chance. She was asked whether she want to wait for Normal delivery or she is
okay with C-Section. I don’t know why or how can they ask patient in preference
to go on with the best option available for patient? Tough as always… Payal decided
to go for C-Section.
They fumbled with needles and veins and few routine tests
and checked Payal’s name and DoB and had her verify signatures on consent
forms. Payal had just kept mum, praying for some miracle. Then with an
injection she was in deep sleep, and as was I. Together Unknown. Unknown about
the death of our child… our dream… Unknown about the life that we once knew.
I got a call at 4 AM from my mom.
“We have brought Payal to hospital” Mom told.
“Oh cool. Is she good?” I asked, expecting it is the day when we will have our little one.
“Not really. Your uncle has gone to blood bank as she has rare blood group.” She replied.
“Why blood? Payal is okay, isn’t she?” I asked, bit skeptical.
“Ya ya… Don’t bother. Can you reach Surat immediately?” She asked.
“Okay. Please don’t hide anything. Please tell me.” I was now more unconvinced.
“Yes Dear. Payal is good. We’ll call you back. Just come back soon.” And my mother dropped.
Not sure how much dejected I was but there were many bad
thoughts roaming into my mind. I was praying for Payal. I was not able to
think, what should I do. I booked the earliest ticket available for Surat and
tried to call my father, my uncle and Payal’s parents on and on. I was getting
only one reply. Payal is good. I asked Payal’s father to let me talk to her. He
told he will as soon as Payal is out of operation theater. I was sure, there is
something that I am not aware of.
Then I called our My Cord representative. Just to make sure,
they are ready for the delivery and the cord preservation. It was then that I
come to know, our baby was no more.
“Has the baby got heartbeats again…?” She asked.
“Mmm… Let… Me… check…. But you please… be available…” I fumbled. And dropped.
And then I knew it. I was blank. Alone in my house, I didn’t
know what should I do and what not. I closed my eyes and let the tears wash my
breaking heart. I told myself that I have to be strong. I didn’t know what was
the situation of Payal. It was after around 3 hours that I could talk to Payal.
My wife was serene. Our little angle was no longer in this world. I always
wanted to have a baby girl. Our sweet fight was flashing in my memory over my
entire journey back to Surat.
“We’ll have a girl. Her looks should be similar to yours… And the nature must not.” I used to tease Payal.
“Let’s see. If it would be other way round, you are finished… man… so be careful.” She used to reply.
“Han!!! We’ll make a gang… and then annoy you.” I used to snap back.
After 10 hours, I was back to Surat, directly to the
hospital. Payal was lying in the room. She hadn’t cried at all. She was just
longing for me. She was Alone… tired… sad and very, very… empty. And then she cried…
We cried. Cried like anything.
At some point you begin to wonder, if there are any tears
left. But it doesn’t take long to realize there are more. Always more. More and
hard and fast and hot... The moment arises when you think, maybe you’d caught
your breath enough to grasp at some composure for a tiny, brief pause. But
composure is for motivational speeches… job interviews or thoughtful clash
resolution. It’s not for parents standing face-to-face with the death of their
child.
We’ll never know exactly how long she was there, but not
there. It was only a week back that my wife saw her heart beating strong on
that precious black screen. It was a day or two back that I saw her movements
over my wife’s belly on video call. And
then it was the time when she was no more.
No matter what... Our little Angel will always be missed!!!
Silly how it
seems to have flown by, but also how I certainly can’t recollect what life was
like without Payal in it. Maybe I just prefer to remember life more clearly
since Payal joined in!
What I experienced was
height. 
